Day 10 of 160. Part 1. 

The day started out horrible. I got a call at 2am saying things were going bad. The bombings are increasing and they are pissed over there. They have to be put on alert. We are only a week in! It wasn’t supposed to be like this! I didn’t want to believe it. I want this to be over. I WANT THIS TO BE OVER!! I laid there unable to mask my terror as I replayed the conversation in my head and his I love you over and over. All I could think was I just want him home. I want all this fighting to end. I want them all to come home and for everyone and everything to be alright. I wanted families to be whole again and wives, fiances, girlfriends, and family members to not feel the terror that I was feeling anymore. When you hear that news you try and remind yourself and repeat that he or she is coming home and everything will be okay, but you can’t stop that creeping thought of but what if…and then your frozen and thinking of that God awful scenario and your repetitive reassurance isn’t helping anymore. That is what I cannot handle. I can handle the learning to be alone, handling the finances and the responsibilities of our house and family. But I cannot handle the thought of him not coming home, living life without him, or never being able to yell, kiss, hug, and annoy ever again. Guys, my heart is hurting, I’m swallowed with terror, and my face is drenched in my tears right now. The thing that sucks is I am going to have to pick myself back up in a little, continue on, and continue to cling to that hope and prayer that he will make it back home to me. I mean after all he promised. You can’t break promises. 

Day 9 of 160!

Sorry this is a little out of order, but I really wanted to talk about today! And this post isn’t going to be long. Today I had no desire to try and escape our house or stay busy to keep me from overthinking. Today I felt so much comfort in staying home. I had an interview, talked on the phone all day with my best friend, texted hottie for the entire day, and cleaned the house. My interview went pretty well and it was fun just having some normality and things feeling the same.

The only difference was hottie… He wasn’t home and I could tell that he was feeling the missing of home. All I wanted to do was hug him tight. But it was just great to be able to talk to him and see him.

I finally got over my need to keep the house exactly the way he left it. (Yes my house was a little dirty when he left. I was not interested in cleaning. I was more interested in spending time with him) I finished the dishes, did some laundry, and well that was about it haha. I guess it wasn’t that dirty…oh well.

But okay this post is mostly about the army wives community. With this funeral this week and having to go by myself to pay respect by representing our family… I am struggling. My heartaches for this family and for hottie. He was deeply hurt when he heard the news. It was a shock to us and scary. the impending funeral makes me worried about hottie and it just brings up those feelings you don’t want to experience while they are gone.

The army wives community gets so much shit for all different types of things. But let me say that during this hard time they have been so supportive and shows you what the community is about. We are a support system and a family in a way. They have shown so much love and support to hottie’s friend’s loved ones. It shows me the good in this world and this community. During this hard time we are there to hold each other up. That is what this community is about. Building relationships and supporting one another.

Now as for me. During this time I have had so many girls offer to hang out with me, go to lunch or dinner, invite me out, or just coming by or calling asking me if I am okay. I feel so lucky to have these girls/friends by my side through this time. I was able to call a friend tonight at 11 o’clock at night while she is having issues of her own crying my eyes out and she was there to calm me down and remind me that all is going to be okay. So thank you. Thank you to the wives and the friends for proving all those people wrong and for being there. and I thank you all for being there for me. I really appreciate it and I’m glad I have made friends with you!

Bless you all and let’s continue the support!

Are you alone? 

Do you ever just feel so alone? You have this entire community and are surround by people, but yet you feel so isolated. You’re wanting to reach out and hoping for a connection, a friend, someone to interact with but then you feel like you’re being a nuisance, no one likes you, or you’re trying too hard. And let’s face it with how mean the world is it’s not a shock to feel this way. 

It sucks. You start to question everything else around you. You start to ask yourself 

what are you doing with your life? 

what is wrong with you? 

Are you just annoying? 

Maybe they can find someone better? 

What are you doing wrong? 

And those questions dig and dig at you until you break yourself down. The worst part is you then have to build yourself back up to make you feel okay again. Yeah others will tell you that oh you’re great or don’t knock yourself down but those words just feel like words to you. Because of that self doubt that you were just feeling has torn you apart. Now don’t get me wrong, you do have that occasionally moment where you see that sliver of hope again. And truthfully you hold onto like it’s your lifeline…and makes you try again and again. 

We need human interaction. We need to feel connected to others to survive. Yes you can love yourself and believe in yourself but everyone has their dark days some more than others. And that is when they need that community, that friend, or that loved one to be there and pick them back up. Help support them and help them rebuild themselves after they torn theirselves down. It may take some time but you keep trying. You are there for them and never give up on them. That is all anyone wants. To know that there is someone out there that they can depend on. To know that they are not alone because being lonely in world so big so full is the most alone a person can be and that is hard to overcome alone. 

Day 1 of 160…

Welcome to my journey through our first deployment. Mind you that I will not being posting where he is located, when he will be coming home (the 160 days is just an estimate), and please do not ask. I wouldn’t mind hearing any advice, experiences, or stories. Please be respectful as this will be very personal and raw for me. I just want to share the personal experience and thoughts of this deployment.

Day 1….

I had labeled this day as D-Day (Deployment Day)…he made fun of me for it forever haha but I thought it was a fitting title. The night before was rough… I cried periodically through the day as we finished up the final touches on packing and spending our last moments for awhile. I held him close and tight and fought my sleep so I could memorize him even more. But then that dreaded alarm started up and I felt him stir to get up and put that uniform on to go do what his duty was calling him for. I laid there keeping my eyes closed hoping it was all a dream and that when I opened my eyes, he wasn’t leaving. But that didn’t happen…. no matter how hard I tried to wish it away.

As we finished getting dressed and packing the car. I watched him do his typical routine and started thinking about how much his cologne had bothered me, how loud he was when he woke up to get ready, and how he always turned the light on waking me up… but this time I savored ever moment about it and how much I would actually miss it. The tears started to roll. I sat there and he walked in asking me why I was crying. He looked at me and told me that it was going to be okay and to not cry. haha all it did was make me cry even more. That soft look of I know it’s going to be hard and I don’t want to leave either but we knew this day was going to come.

I finally calmed down and we drove to post where we would say our see you laters and i love yous (we refuse to say goodbye). As we stood there all I could do was stare at him and think I don’t want you to leave. Please do not leave me. He gave me that kiss and hug… man oh man did I not want them to end. I cried (I saved my ugly crying for when he couldn’t see me haha). As he walked away and I watched those buses drive off. I felt like a piece of me was driving away. Which it was. My other half was leaving me for 5ish months! I know that doesn’t seem like a long time, but when you’re counting the days it begins to.

As I got in the truck to drive back to our home, I let myself cry. Our song came onto the radio which just made me lose it even more. I’d miss him singing to me in the truck holding my hand and just singing that song like it was written for me. I finally collected myself and started to drive. As I got home, it felt different. He has left before for training and such, but this time was different. And I think it was my fear that there was that possibility of the unthinkable. But I couldn’t let myself focus on that. So I climbed into bed and texted him some as he was riding the bus to the airport. I was anxious that entire bus ride for him. I knew it was going to hit me when he was to get on that plane.

I am not going to lie. I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I got a facetime from him telling me he made it the airport, you could tell that he hated it already and that I hated it just as much. We already were missing each other. Then I got the phone call telling me he was boarding the plane. I had knots in my stomach and held back the tears again as I told him I loved him and to have a safe flight. It was dinner time and I thought to myself well fuck… I don’t know how to cook for just myself… so my dinner consisted of taquitos and leftover chips and salsa. (I know soooo healthy. leave me alone I was sad haha). But then the bedtime routine rolled around… I was doing fine for awhile just getting the dogs situated, changing into my jammies, but then I walked to the bed… I looked at it and it looked so empty. I wasn’t going to have my best friend sleeping next to me, elbowing me, snoring, pushing me off the bed, and what not. And realizing that, the tears started flowing again, much harder this time. I never knew that I would eventually miss all the things that annoyed me so much. I mean yeah I know he is coming back home, but still. I realized I have to learn to sleep alone again and do everything by myself again. I didn’t have my teammate home and he was leaving to go risk his life.

I tossed and turned all night long. Then I got that first phone call telling me he landed in his first location. You could tell in his voice that he too was tired and already missing home. I think that broke my heart more than anything else. But that phone call helped. It helped reassure me that everything was going to be okay. That our love was what was going to get us through this deployment. I fell back asleep dreaming about all of our sweet memories until I was to get that next phone call telling me he made it to his next location.

Day 5 of 160…

It’s pool day!

This day really was uneventful haha I’m sorry. I know oh well. These posts will have some days where I don’t really have anything to share. I am trying! haha but hey that’s what makes this real.

But I do have something to say. These posts have given some insight to this life…. into my life. With that being said I had someone in the army wive’s community that has been reading these message me and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that it may get hard some days but that he will be home soon. It warmed my heart to have someone reach out and be supportive even when they do not know me. It’s knowing that you don’t have to be alone through this.

 

Well that is all for this day! haha happy reading guys! Hopefully I’ll have more to say in my other posts.

Day 4 of 160…

Guys! I went the entire day without crying! I think it was because I actually kept myself pretty preoccupied and I got to talk to Hottie with a body a lot more today. But as I laid in bed I thought to myself the best part of my day is talking to him. Even when he’s home. I can say whatever and be myself and he’ll still think I’m the cutest person in the world and love me.

But every time I talk to him he knows how to ease my mind and make me laugh. I fall in love with him even more every second.

I spent the morning regretting having to wake up because since I haven’t really been sleeping well the last 3 days I was finally so exhausted that I passed out. There was still some tossing and turning but still it was actual sleep.

I had to go to the doctors appointment for my stupid broken foot (way to go time for breaking your foot 2 days before he is to leave) wishing hottie was with me since he knows all things medical and would remember everything they told me to do 😂 because I can tell you I forgot the moment he said the words lol oops.

Then I got to meet up with a friend for lunch and ice cream. I’m grateful for the friends I have made here and all the support I have gotten. I would’ve probably came straight home and just cried if I didn’t have friends trying to help me stay busy. It was nice to have someone to talk to and to keep my mind busy and not wandering.

I got a FaceTime while I was out though. Of course I answered it. Even though he was joking around about me always being busy and out. You could tell he was relieved. Last thing I want is for him to stress and worry about me and everything here while he is over there because then I’m going to get wayyy to stressed out 😂

Y’all I’m not going to lie for the past 3 days I haven’t touched or moved anything really in the house. I haven’t cleaned or anything. Today I started to clean some. I wasn’t ready for it. I liked feeling like he was still there messing up what I had just cleaned. If I cleaned it then it would stay clean and remind me that he’s not home to mess it all up and listen to me yell. Then that would remind me that I’m alone. I didn’t want to change anything but then I told myself suck it up. He’ll be back soon and you’ll be back to yelling at him to help clean up or telling him thanks a lot for messing up my newly washed carpet.

But at the end of the night I was grateful that I got to talk to him some before he went to bed. And actually seeing him smile for the first time in 4 days (he’s ahead of me) and seeing a look of love on his face that made my heart skip a beat. And then being able to tell him good morning while he got to tell me goodnight. It’s the little things that are helping me get there this.

P.S. counting the months makes it easier as well instead of the days haha makes it seem so much shorter.

P.S.S. someone told me that counting fridays also helps!

Also having a dog that loves to cuddle and take up as much space as your S.O. helps too! 

Day 3 of 160…

Yippee for pool days, FaceTime, and Pizzaaaa! Yumyumyum!
Day 3!

I spent the day with a couple friends at the pool! It was nice to relax and feel the sun warming me! Even though I was with friends, I sat there and still felt alone. I was stuck in my head and focusing once again that hottie was gone. I think that is my biggest issue, I was focusing on it too much. Then I ordered pizza from our favorite pizza place…papa johns lol But right as it was delivered I got that great ringtone telling me I was getting an incoming FaceTime. I was so happy to see his face again. It will never fail for me to not smile when I see his name on my phone.

I got to talk to him again… this time was him telling me that his timeline was moved up and that the location he was to go to (lets call it Triangle) he was leaving for the next day. It sparked my fears again. I wish it didn’t but it did. I could tell myself over and over again that everything is going to be okay but it’s not going to stop that thought buried deep in the back of my mind begging to be released. I knew the day that he would have to actually go on missions and what not, but I thought I had more time to fool myself. To think that he was going to stay in that area they call the “vacation”. I wanted more time so he would have less time in Triangle. When finding this out I was crying once again. But I’m glad I did. Seriously y’all if you gotta cry. Just cry. Let it out. Or else you’re gonna hold it in and then one day it’s just gonna come all out and you’ll be curled up in a ball crying for hours at the worst possible time. After crying I felt relief and let all that go. I was able to regroup and reassure myself once again.

After all the late nights and crying, it finally caught up to me. I was so exhausted and drained that I was getting the worse headache. I haven’t felt that way since college and stayed up for 48 hours studying for finals! I passed out for the night and actually slept with no dreams or anything.

For those wondering. Yes I do still send him fifty million memes throughout the day and text him even if he is not answering and tell him bad puns because I have an obsession with puns. I do it because I don’t want things to change or for him to feel like they are. I do it because even though he acts like he’s so annoyed by them or doesn’t even pay attention to them I know he loves them because it reminds him that I am thinking of him and that he is constantly on my mind. And it makes him happy. And that’s what I want for him. To have a piece of happiness while he is over there, to provide him with that since he is providing for our household and is protecting our home!

Day 2 of 160…

Shout out to the next day puffy eyes and your best friend banging on your door to make sure you’re still alive 😂

Also yay for photo shoots, sushi, and more photo shoots.

So the next morning I woke up to loud banging on my front door. I woke up feeling so lost. You know how if you cry too much and the next day you just feel so drained? Yeah that was me. But am I glad that my best friend didn’t stop banging on my door. I probably would’ve cancelled my photoshoots and just laid in bed being sad all day.

She asked me how I was doing and lord I tried to hold myself together, but as I started talking the tears just found it’s way to show itself. She held me while I cried. I calmed myself down and she let me just ramble. And talking about hottie just helped even though I just wanted to continue to cry. The talking about what he left me with before he left and when the last time I spoke to him all I could do was smile.

But I had to get ready for a photoshoot. I am not going to lie… I was so unbelievably nervous for this one. I had to go back onto post. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle that. If I would break down and cry driving past his work or if I was going to be able to hold myself together as I shot this photos for this loving new family.

My best friend helped me pick out my outfit and made sure I wasn’t gonna just bum it and look a mess. (I probably would have just wore anything. My pajamas even haha just kidding…or am I?) As I was getting ready, I heard that sound I had been waiting for… my phone ringing. I saw his handsome face and name on the call screen. I answered his facetime and I swear my heart skipped a beat seeing his handsome face. I did not want to hang up. Who knew that you could miss someone so much after only being apart for a little over 24 hours.

Well my first photoshoot was bittersweet. Don’t get me wrong it was adorable. She too was getting ready for her husband to deploy the next day. And when they played his recording on a bear to their newborn daughter I about lost it. It was so sweet, but then all I wanted was to talk to hottie. As I was thinking that my phone binged. Lucky these sweet people understood my excitement and let me check it. As I spoke with the clients it put me at ease some. They eased my anxiety and reminded that everything was going to be okay.

I am thankful for my best friend for sitting through the photoshoot and driving my crippled ass. haha I also want to thank her and her husband for driving me back to my house and reminding me that everything was going to be okay and trying to give me advice on what to expect and what might be going on.

It was nice to have someone to go to get sushi with and to talk to. Although I was sitting there waiting for the moment I would hear back from hottie. It’s weird for me to go so long without talking to him. You get so used to talking to someone every single day and only going maybe an hour or so without speaking to them that it starts to feel weird when you’re on opposite times.

As I headed to my next photoshoot the couple reminded me of me and hottie. The way they held each other, joked around, and looked at each other. As I got to capture their photos I thought to myself about me and hottie. And I thought yeah I miss him and sad that he had to leave, but the memories I have of us is what will help me get through this deployment. And I am grateful that I have all the memories we made and experienced before he left.

As I got home and was focused once again on the fact that I was alone and had to sleep without him again. For dinner all I had was one of those chef boyardee cans. And I cried again and fell asleep. Honestly this day though was a little bit easier… when it was day time and I was busy. So maybe it’s just me learning how to deal at night and that might be easier instead of trying to change my entire life around.

 

PSA: I am sorry for the grammatical errors and how repetitive some of this may sound. I am sleep deprived and I am usually writing these at 1 in the morning because I can’t sleep or waiting to hear from hottie and this helps me relax. So yay for finding something to help me… sort of! 🙂

Being in love with someone who has fallen out of love with you. 

Man this may have to be the hardest fact to accept. All you want to do is fix it. Make that person see you the way they used to. You know all of the mistakes you made and what has lead you to that point. But is it too late? How do you fix it? 

You want to talk and find out if there is a chance to fix things. I have no answers. All I have is what I would like to happen and what I want to do to make things right. 

But fixing things is a two way street. Yeah you may have done things that led you to this point but there are things that have occurred that led you to act that way. 

The biggest things is… YOU CANNOT FIX THINGS IF THE OTHER PERSON IS NOT WILLING TO TRY! We all want to and will push and push to fix it but then we get frustrated and angry that nothing is changing. But it’s not changing because the other person is not putting that same amount of effort. They are not fully grasping the situation or understanding. 

If anyone has any suggestions I am all ears! 

How do I fix it? 

I’m dying inside. That’s what I feel. Every day all I want to do is cry. It’s hard to make it through the day. I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past four days now. Nothing is helping. I’m angry all the time but at the same time I’m so alone. I feel cornered into the darkness and cannot find the light anywhere. I have no one to turn to. No one that will understand. There are days where I want to end it just to no longer feel this way. These thoughts scare me. I try and go about my days keeping my mind occupied and staying busy but it is hard. It’s always there no matter how hard I try. It makes me want to just give up to give into it. I just want to melt into oblivion. I imagine that if I just end it that then there has to be something better. I won’t feel this way anymore. I won’t feel so worthless and empty. I’m struggling. It’s like I’m screaming but nothing is coming out. I’m scared. I’m alone. I fear for what will come.