Welcome to my journey through our first deployment. Mind you that I will not being posting where he is located, when he will be coming home (the 160 days is just an estimate), and please do not ask. I wouldn’t mind hearing any advice, experiences, or stories. Please be respectful as this will be very personal and raw for me. I just want to share the personal experience and thoughts of this deployment.
I had labeled this day as D-Day (Deployment Day)…he made fun of me for it forever haha but I thought it was a fitting title. The night before was rough… I cried periodically through the day as we finished up the final touches on packing and spending our last moments for awhile. I held him close and tight and fought my sleep so I could memorize him even more. But then that dreaded alarm started up and I felt him stir to get up and put that uniform on to go do what his duty was calling him for. I laid there keeping my eyes closed hoping it was all a dream and that when I opened my eyes, he wasn’t leaving. But that didn’t happen…. no matter how hard I tried to wish it away.
As we finished getting dressed and packing the car. I watched him do his typical routine and started thinking about how much his cologne had bothered me, how loud he was when he woke up to get ready, and how he always turned the light on waking me up… but this time I savored ever moment about it and how much I would actually miss it. The tears started to roll. I sat there and he walked in asking me why I was crying. He looked at me and told me that it was going to be okay and to not cry. haha all it did was make me cry even more. That soft look of I know it’s going to be hard and I don’t want to leave either but we knew this day was going to come.
I finally calmed down and we drove to post where we would say our see you laters and i love yous (we refuse to say goodbye). As we stood there all I could do was stare at him and think I don’t want you to leave. Please do not leave me. He gave me that kiss and hug… man oh man did I not want them to end. I cried (I saved my ugly crying for when he couldn’t see me haha). As he walked away and I watched those buses drive off. I felt like a piece of me was driving away. Which it was. My other half was leaving me for 5ish months! I know that doesn’t seem like a long time, but when you’re counting the days it begins to.
As I got in the truck to drive back to our home, I let myself cry. Our song came onto the radio which just made me lose it even more. I’d miss him singing to me in the truck holding my hand and just singing that song like it was written for me. I finally collected myself and started to drive. As I got home, it felt different. He has left before for training and such, but this time was different. And I think it was my fear that there was that possibility of the unthinkable. But I couldn’t let myself focus on that. So I climbed into bed and texted him some as he was riding the bus to the airport. I was anxious that entire bus ride for him. I knew it was going to hit me when he was to get on that plane.
I am not going to lie. I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I got a facetime from him telling me he made it the airport, you could tell that he hated it already and that I hated it just as much. We already were missing each other. Then I got the phone call telling me he was boarding the plane. I had knots in my stomach and held back the tears again as I told him I loved him and to have a safe flight. It was dinner time and I thought to myself well fuck… I don’t know how to cook for just myself… so my dinner consisted of taquitos and leftover chips and salsa. (I know soooo healthy. leave me alone I was sad haha). But then the bedtime routine rolled around… I was doing fine for awhile just getting the dogs situated, changing into my jammies, but then I walked to the bed… I looked at it and it looked so empty. I wasn’t going to have my best friend sleeping next to me, elbowing me, snoring, pushing me off the bed, and what not. And realizing that, the tears started flowing again, much harder this time. I never knew that I would eventually miss all the things that annoyed me so much. I mean yeah I know he is coming back home, but still. I realized I have to learn to sleep alone again and do everything by myself again. I didn’t have my teammate home and he was leaving to go risk his life.
I tossed and turned all night long. Then I got that first phone call telling me he landed in his first location. You could tell in his voice that he too was tired and already missing home. I think that broke my heart more than anything else. But that phone call helped. It helped reassure me that everything was going to be okay. That our love was what was going to get us through this deployment. I fell back asleep dreaming about all of our sweet memories until I was to get that next phone call telling me he made it to his next location.